Love Awe Wonder…

Living Life Filled with Love, Awe and Wonder


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Going Over the Top!

I shared a visual on my blog this week about facing a brick wall. It was in regard to my fathers illness. An entry I wrote called The Box. I couldn’t help but wonder about someone’s comment… He said “Sometimes you have to go over the wall.” That comment made me wonder… How could I ever go over a huge brick wall? It seemed nearly impossible, and yet, it was only a wall and there was no ceiling…

A metaphor of course for what I have been facing with my dads illness and diagnosis of needing “skilled nursing” care. Putting my father in a nursing home was my worst nightmare and that brick wall looked impossible to get past

That brick wall was facing me all week long, but so was that comment, about “going over the wall.”
I continued to wonder… How was I going to get over that brick wall? And then it hit me…

I am on my way up the wall and going over very slowly, the plan is in process…
I am about to scale a wall that looked impossible a few days ago. Today, my plan is to go over the wall having my dad by my side.

I am bringing him home to my house in hospice care. Nothing will stop me from caring and loving a man who did the same for me my whole life! And so here we go preparing a place in my home for a man who will always hold a special place in my heart… I love you dad!
Now I would say… this is truly living life filled with love, awe and wonder!

Thanks Friend for posting that comment that made me wonder how to go over that brick wall!!!
(George in the beautiful chapel at St Anne’s)

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The Box

I woke up to the vision of standing face to face with an overwhelming brick wall. Out of breath, realizing the challenge of what towered over me. I pictured myself in a large box. The top was open, a blue sky above. Each one of the four walls were different. The wall I was facing was a solid brick one. I knew there was a wall with a large window I could see out of, one with a very small door, and one with sliding glass doors… My visual this morning had me wondering, but not for long!

I knew with my parents in their final season of their lives, I was facing a brick wall in my world. As much as I wanted to change what was in front of me, it was impossible. There was no way to move the wall, go over it, through it or even around it. The reality was I am about to stand in front of this brick wall helpless. There’s nothing I can do at this point of my parents lives, except be there for them and most importantly love them.

Their lives are about to change forever and so is mine. The brick wall is very scary, overwhelming and closing in fast!

As I stand there helpless, I am reassured there are other walls in my box. For now, I will look over my shoulder through the large window knowing the sliding glass doors await my return to fly free…
In love, awe and wonder…

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The Ride

Good days, bad days, and very bad days!

My dad had a very bad day today due
to delirium. He has been in this state on and off for the past 6 days but the last 24 hours have been heart breaking. I stopped back up to see him late this evening and how I found him was so upsetting. So the ride is full steam ahead…

There have been many differences among family members… But this I know without a doubt no matter what others may think… Someone who can’t speak for themselves needs an advocate while they are in a hospital, not to mention a parent who has dementia needs daily care! At the very least they should be honored by being cared for by their children.

Many other countries honor the elderly, especially Japan, we as Americans discard them! I will be there for my parents, not just thinking strangers can care for them!

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Balancing Act

There is a fine line for not losing your sanity, it’s called setting boundaries.

Boundaries and knowing your limits are crucial in life, especially while care taking.
It’s a balancing act of sorts…

My limits are being tested, which makes me wonder about my own personal strength…

My fathers bout with pneumonia and the confusion it is causing is pushing me to my limits. Perhaps I’ve limited my limits and going past what I believe are my limits will only make me stronger. None the less, I am determined to be present to the moment, this beautiful Christmas season, and the blessing of being a care giver…

I’ve been thinking about the term care giver vs care taker…. I find it interesting the difference in the words giver vs taker…
We certainly give! But with the right attitude and insight we are able to learn and “take” away so much more…
So today as I set my limits and follow my heart being a care giver, I can only hope as a care taker I will learn precious wisdom from life’s balancing act…

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“I’m Losing the Battle”

Life has been a roller coaster ride over the past 30 years. Sometimes the hills are steeper and scarier than other times.
There are moments when I feel life is on that last smooth home stretch only to realize I’m climbing that steep hill ready for another ride…
My care taking of my parents make life feel that way lately. Dad has become weaker again, and mom, well, her dementia seems to get the best of all of us!
As I was caring for my dad the other day after his fall, he said ” I think I’m losing the battle.” That made me wonder…
What could he possibly be thinking about being so close to the end of his life at nearly 90 years old… Those words woke me up out of a sound sleep knowing the battle is coming to an end someday. The uncertainly has me on an emotional roller coaster… The wonder of life, its purpose, the meaning, and leaving a legacy has me in a state a wonder…
It’s just a matter of time that my dad will loss the battle… A term, close to his heart being a WW2 vet. For some, life isn’t a battle after all, yet for others certain times of their life is a battle for sure.
I’m up in the early morning wondering,
and remembering…
Remembering wonderful Christmas memories from childhood, thanks to a man who keeps fighting his battle. He is now in the hospital with pneumonia and heart issues but will be fine… He’s a fighter and he still has battles to fight!

This holiday season brings to mind the movie White Christmas … Which makes me think of my dad in his army uniform and all the battles he has fought…

In love, awe and wonder of an awesome dad!

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The Eyes…

It’s through the eyes the heart and soul are felt…

When I witnessed Baby George looking into Grandpa George’s eyes it made me wonder… What could they both be wondering?
I can only imagine the joy in my dads heart knowing his grandson was named after him. And then there’s little George gazing into his grandpas eyes searching for understanding at such a young age.
If we only knew what they may have been thinking at that very moment!

The eyes… Tell a story, share emotions, and are the gateway into someone’s heart and soul.

What do you see when you look into someone’s eyes?

Be in awe and wonder next time you connect through the eyes of another…

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Facing Aging…

My baby is turning 30 Monday and my daddy is 89 years old… My birthday in August was very difficult for me this year!

I’m suppose to be 30 and my daddy is the one who’s old at 50 something, NOT me!

As my children bring their children into this world, my world seems to be slightly distorted… Not in a bad way, I certainly am blessed and thankful for my blessings… It just seems as if I was just watching the Ed Sullivan show on Sunday nights and there was the Partridge Family everyone loved! Not sure what happened to all those great years. At least they seemed great as a child. I think innocence is truly a gift… Today children loss their innocence to soon.

Having played outside for hours, days and years made my childhood simple and fun… We never knew anything different.

I’m thankful to such wonderful childhood, memories I will cherish always… And now, I will continue to grasp the reality of the aging process… I can’t stop it, but I will admit I’m still learning how to accept it and embrace it… All while kicking and screaming… (Like a child!)

So now, as a grandmother, here I am. My mind filled with wonderful childhood memories stuck in a 50 something body. Reflecting on my own

babies growing up and having babies. Realizing the ones that blessed me with those awesome childhood memories are themselves stuck in very old bodies facing the end of their lives…

It’s quite an emotional place to be… Joy, Love, Happiness, blessings, all while embracing missing what use to be…and knowing what is yet to come…

In “wonder” of tomorrow…

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Where Did All The Years Go?

As I continue to care for my aging parents I can’t help but wonder where did all the years go? When sometimes an hour may seem long, a day may go by slowly and a week? well, sometimes a Friday just seems like it will never get here… And yet, the years just fly by! It makes me stop and wonder why such a difference in the “present” rate of speed vs our “yesterday’s”

I was recently at Rochester General Hospital and there she was, my mother 66 years ago at the age of 22 on the nurses wall of fame… Pictures of nurses from the early 1940’s. Of course, as I stop to look at the pictures it made me wonder… “Where did all those years go?”

I am now watching as my once vibrant, sharp mother can’t remember how to cook any longer. At the age of 88, it seems somehow things are slipping her mind. All those years of nursing and caring for others and now it’s her time to be cared for…

All those years of care taking, makes me wonder… Where did all those years go?

In awe of life and in wonder of all those years!
(My mother Marie… bottom left)

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Love: a Gift to Give…

I continue to watch, ponder and wonder about my role as an adult “daughter”, a title I am blessed to wear. As I drove my aging parents to Mass Saturday night I had flashbacks of my childhood memories of my dad taking me to church. And I thought… One more life situation going in full circle.

Caring for my parents has been a privilege, not always easy, but always a blessing! Giving back to the same people who first loved you truly is easy to do. Which of course had me wondering… loving those who are not so easy to love, is truly a gift to give someone. I had the privilege to experience that for a number of years with my great uncle. That kind of love comes from something beyond ourselves and we are all capable of experiencing it, (if we allow ourselves to).

As I sat at Mass with my parents on a Saturday night, I found myself being present to the moment of being with my mom and dad, knowing every second at this age is a gift for all of us…

I’ve had the joy of watching my daughter “Love” on her son George. And I have had the privilege to “Love” on my father George… Elderly Parents, there’s nothing like loving them daily…

Love someone today no matter how difficult it may seem…
God will see you through!

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Time To Go Home George

Wake up sleepy head, it’s time to go home! Today is the day when my daughter and son-in-law walk through their door at home for the first time as parents.

It was yesterday, that I brought my daughter home from the hospital. For some reason I remember that first day back home very clearly. The day went in slow motion, even the first year seem to move very slowly… Only to be followed by a Flash, over the next 29 years!

Now it’s the circle of life repeating itself once again… As Nicole and Tim take George home today, my wish for them is, every second of every day is filled with Joy and Blessings… As they life their lives filled with Love, awe and wonder as new parents to little George

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