Love Awe Wonder…

Living Life Filled with Love, Awe and Wonder

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“The uncertainties, the ups and downs, the knowledge of the inevitable loss, seeing a beloved father suffer, and the total lack of control make this journey so hard. God won’t give you more than you can handle – lean on Him. Love ya.” 

A  Tex I recieved from a dear friend last night summed up exactly how I’ve been feeling this week… The uncertainties of the inevitable loss and all the ups and downs that come with the emotions that surround this journey is difficult. The reality is this is the fifth time we have been on this similar journey. Hospitals, rehabs, and even hospice all for continued “hope” and yet decline of my dads quality of life… 

Life is a precious gift given to all of us.

My gift… my father who has always been there for me and has loved me unconditionally. A piece of my heart is torn more and more each time as his aging journey continues. 

Today he is moved again to a rehab center, same place, same time of year except without his beloved wife by his side… Which makes me wonder… Does he still have that same desire to live? 

What will tomorrow hold? Uncertainty is inevitable for everyone that’s a given, but the uncertainty of an elderly parent tears at ones heart continually… 

I feel Gods grace and love on this journey with my father.

I AM Forever grateful for their Love❤️

Big George ❤️ Little George   

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It’s My Turn…

I watch as his broken heart aches
Having the only answer I know…
To Love him and care for him.
It’s my turn
To tuck him in at night
Assure him everything will be ok…
A sweet kiss
A look into his eyes…
Nothing more needs to be said.
It’s my turn
To be there in his time of need,
To listen to
Talk with
And Represent Hope….
There’s a hole in his heart
It may never be fixed…
Only time
can help mend it just a little bit…
It’s my turn
To love
Care for
Reassure him…
A man who was always there for me…
There’s a sweetness knowing
It’s my turn
To care for…
My father
While he waits to meet my mother again…
It’s my turn!



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The Move

The doors opened and I had to believe it was for a reason. Today, will change my families life forever…

The move… My parents are moving to a senior living environment. I have been encouraged by all the professionals involved that this is the right thing to do. Which by the way only makes today slightly easier. Having been a care giver for family members for the past 20 years and still for my parents, this move is very emotional. The care giving won’t stop because my dad will currently be in independent while my mother needs memory care. Because of their two completely different needs, the must be in separate rooms… Done gasping?
We have all been very emotionally over my mothers dementia. My dad being physically weak, mentally strong seems to be easier to handle with this move for some reason. Perhaps it’s because he knows this next stage in life is inevitable.

The move…this transition from yet again one home to another type of living must happen at some point. The door opened for rooms at The Villages, which is a lovely senior living campus.
As I awake this day I’ve dreaded, I try to stay strong knowing my heart along with my siblings heart break!

I Wonder what tonight will be like for them? Tomorrow when they awake what they will feel? And how long this move will last. All stages in the aging process… There’s a last move I really don’t look forward to! I have been in a morning stage for the past year now, morning what is no longer. Morning what is to come…

On the positive side I am so thankful for the opening at The Villages, that both parents are still alive, our caretaker team is wonderful and that this whole experience is happening in a lovely senior environment. Staying strong is difficult, there continues to be lessons daily…

I was just a little girl playing outside for hours while my mom called us in for dinner and dad smoking his pipe, was my strong daddy who was always there for us. And that was just yesterday, or so it seems….

The most precious gift they gave to us was “memories”.
Memories of a childhood filled with love, playfulness, loving parents, cottage on Keuka Lake, vacations and priceless holidays just to name a few…

The move today is a lovely, positive place for them to continue to enjoy their sunset years.
Their minds and bodies are tired at 90 but there spirits continue to live each day that is given to them…
Watching this aging process is one of the most difficult challenges in my life… I will be there for them till their last move… I am truly thankful for all their love and support through the years gone by…
Thankful to have Blessing from two wonderful parents….

The Move
Today is that day
The day no one wants to say…
It’s time for a change
What once worked
Works no more…
One day closer to that final move
But till then my friend
Each day is a gift
Each move necessary
Each loved one, loved
Today is that day
It’s time for change
The move…



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Learning to Walk…

As I was babysitting my grandson the other day I notice him standing still every so often… You see, he’s learning to walk. He’s doing very well. But he tends to be cautious. It’s fun to watch him take a few steps, then stop, “stand still”, evaluate his progresses and continue walking. Watching him made me wonder about myself… The “standing still” part that is… I continue to be in a season of “standing still” evaluating life around me and wondering about my next step. I find myself in awe of my grandson. I haven’t quite processed being a grandmother, but I’m loving every second being with my grandson…

In love, awe and wonder of the life lessons to be learned from George!


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The Journey

The future is near
The inevitable is clear…
Emotions run deep
A calm begins to seep.
Days go by
As I try
to understand the cycle of life.
Babies are born
Parents will be mourned
Life continues,
Days filled,
Choices made,
Strength, held closely…
A journey which makes you stronger
A heart breaks that much more…
Knowing the inevitable is clear
And the future is near…



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His Face

I looked up and saw his face.
Worn, sad, almost a lonely look.
His best friend of sixty years
no longer able to verbally communicate…
His body no longer able to do what he wants…
The look on his face
brought tears to mine.
I Walked away, but couldn’t stay away.
As I approached his room
He was lying lifeless on his bed
I called out to him… And said …
Want to go for a ride?
He looked up and moved slowly
And smiled…
I spent the next two hours with a man I love more than anyone…
Two more priceless hours of my time
Peaceful moments,
Quite moments,
Joyful moments,
Moments in time I will always cherish.
When I leave his side,
I leave a piece of my heart.
Every time…
Difficult times
Emotional times
Times that I will always hold dear.
For this man,
I will always love and care…
I love you daddy!



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There’s a Child in All of Us!

After seeing this picture of my adorable father at the age of three, I was reminded there’s a child in all of us!

As our bodies age for some reasons our minds don’t seem to want to keep up! I know when both of my parents see themselves in a mirror they are in disbelief of what they see. They can’t quite accept their aging looks, because their minds can’t wrap itself around the years of aging…

I’m guessing most of us see ourselves 15-25 years younger in our own minds then what we appear to be…

There is a child in all of us. No matter what the number may say or how old someone looks they started out as a child… And that child lives inside!

So as I see my daddy continue to age I’m also seeing a little boy come out and play often. Sometimes scared, sometimes defiant and sometimes very playful!

I love his childlike moments… Like when I try to help him with his coat, he looks at me and says “I can do it” as if that little boy inside is fighting for his independence.

My dad and I have come full circle. I play a parent role as he slips unconsciously back into a childlike role on many occasions. There’s a child in all of us just waiting to come out again someday!

In love, awe and wonder daily…


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Being a Cheerleader

I always wanted to be a cheerleader! Years ago in high school when I finally had the nerve to “try out” I was cut! My jumps apparently just were not good enough! Today I find myself in a
Cheerleading role…

As my parents continue to age, mom with dementia and dad now on hospice with a critical heart valve, I’ve recently have become a cheerleader! A number of times a week my father gets anxious and down. I know talking him through these moments helps his state of mind. I’ve taken on many roles over the last several years as their care giver and now a cheerleader!

After a difficult evening, one of his caregivers tex to say “dad is having a bad night” As I called to listen and encourage him he seem to come out of his funk, thankfully!

I can only imagine how difficult this season in his life must be… I can Only Imagine! I’m reminded of past moments when I needed to be encouraged and he was always there for me. In fact, some 70 years ago at an all boys college, St.Bonaventure my dad was a cheerleader! And now it’s my turn to cheer him on and up!

No matter someone’s age, they have the same feelings, emotions, and fear of any of us. The elderly need extra love and care… Society today discards the aging and disregards their feelings… It saddens me immensely!

If you have the chance… Listen, encourage, touch and love someone today who maybe you 30 years from now!

In love with loving others
In awe of respect….
In wonder of being there…

(A recent picture of Marie and George
To look at this picture You’d never know their struggles they look great! It’s a mind game….)


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How Do I Say Goodbye?

I love you…
Doesn’t seem quite enough.
I’ll miss you…
An emptiness is inevitable
A Thank you…
For all his unconditional love.
I wonder..
How do I say goodbye?
I watch as his heart weakens
He looks strong,
His mind is sharp
But his heart is tired…
I love you…
Is obvious
I’ll miss you…
Is a given
A Thank you…
Can never express
the blessings of our relationship.
I hold his hand
He smiles
Time is our gift…
Time is our enemy…
How do I say goodbye?
Tears come and tears go
Reality moves in
My heart breaks…
And I continue to wonder…
How do I say goodbye?



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The Power of “I’m Sorry”

39 days ago the journey of my dads illness began. Pneumonia was the major cause of this hospitalization which effected his already severely clogged heart value.

Weeks in the hospital with a Hospice diagnosis turned into weeks in rehab with a “pre hospice” diagnosis. Watching my dads physical roller coaster ride put me personally on my own emotional and physical ride!

Although dads pneumonia has cleared his heart remains the same, weak. His spirit fluctuates, along with his strength. All this while my mother patiently waits with dementia for his return home.

Well, he is heading home Sunday to be with mom. That decision was made after a roller coaster ride of several different options. The care team, along with family felt at least for now, that was the best decision. There has been a lot of conflict, differences of opinions, stress, burnout, and emotional breakdowns by family members (the latter sit on my plate).
And with that said there have been a lot of “I’m sorry”…. Thankfully our family knows how to Love and forgive…

I am thankful for those words “I’m sorry”, but each time a conflict or ugly words happen it chips away at my soul. For me, my goal is to just love and personally grow stronger and healthier from family differences.

It’s been an emotional roller coaster ride on many levels for all of us. I personally realized I have already started the morning process for both my parents failing health.

So I am thankful when I hear or read the words “I’m sorry”… With the unknown journey still ahead and the amount of time that is needed both physically and emotionally to care for elderly parents… Conflict, and disagreements are the last thing that should ever take place in a care taking situation. Making a conscious effort to love and embrace each other should be a priority during difficult times. Family coming together and caring for parents in their final years is truly the only thing that matters…

“I’m sorry” that it has been anything but Love…

In the end it’s family that truly matters…

In Love with family
In Awe of “I’m Sorry”
In Wonder of when…