Love Awe Wonder…

Living Life Filled with Love, Awe and Wonder

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Going Over the Top!

I shared a visual on my blog this week about facing a brick wall. It was in regard to my fathers illness. An entry I wrote called The Box. I couldn’t help but wonder about someone’s comment… He said “Sometimes you have to go over the wall.” That comment made me wonder… How could I ever go over a huge brick wall? It seemed nearly impossible, and yet, it was only a wall and there was no ceiling…

A metaphor of course for what I have been facing with my dads illness and diagnosis of needing “skilled nursing” care. Putting my father in a nursing home was my worst nightmare and that brick wall looked impossible to get past

That brick wall was facing me all week long, but so was that comment, about “going over the wall.”
I continued to wonder… How was I going to get over that brick wall? And then it hit me…

I am on my way up the wall and going over very slowly, the plan is in process…
I am about to scale a wall that looked impossible a few days ago. Today, my plan is to go over the wall having my dad by my side.

I am bringing him home to my house in hospice care. Nothing will stop me from caring and loving a man who did the same for me my whole life! And so here we go preparing a place in my home for a man who will always hold a special place in my heart… I love you dad!
Now I would say… this is truly living life filled with love, awe and wonder!

Thanks Friend for posting that comment that made me wonder how to go over that brick wall!!!
(George in the beautiful chapel at St Anne’s)


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The Ride

Good days, bad days, and very bad days!

My dad had a very bad day today due
to delirium. He has been in this state on and off for the past 6 days but the last 24 hours have been heart breaking. I stopped back up to see him late this evening and how I found him was so upsetting. So the ride is full steam ahead…

There have been many differences among family members… But this I know without a doubt no matter what others may think… Someone who can’t speak for themselves needs an advocate while they are in a hospital, not to mention a parent who has dementia needs daily care! At the very least they should be honored by being cared for by their children.

Many other countries honor the elderly, especially Japan, we as Americans discard them! I will be there for my parents, not just thinking strangers can care for them!

The ride has just begun! 20131206-223140.jpg

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Out of the Woods…

I love words and sayings, they keep me in a state of Wonder… And although I’ve been known to speak the wrong ones on occasion and miss spell them often, I still love words!

“Out of woods” came to mind this morning. I was thinking about a family meeting that will take place to discuss my parents current situation.
I thought… He’s out of the woods! Making reference to my dads pneumonia.
Only to realize, what’s on the edge of the woods looks even scarier!

Not knowing what’s next and the thought of a nursing home breaks my heart… Although they are not quite there yet, it is just a matter of time.

As I write about this season in my life, I have come to realize it’s my own type of personal therapy. I am thankful for being able to write and share my thoughts. For me, it is an amazing way to release my emotions that may otherwise have stayed suppressed.

Summed up in words…
Dads “out of the woods”
I’m still “spinning plates”
My family is on a “roller coaster ride”
And mom, well, “I’m lost for words” which is exactly what happens to her daily…

So today’s life lesson…
Live it
Love it
Embrace it
Share it…

In awe and wonder of it all…


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Peace From a Ticket to the Moon

I haven’t seen it yet, but I know there is a heart waiting for me and my dad in his hospital room… As he struggles to breathe normally he still manages to make me laugh. He is very sick right now and yet somehow I am finding peace.
Inner strength from faith, from counting my blessings and being present to this Christmas season, all while Celebrating life…

My focus is on a beautiful life lived filled with love, memories, and blessings… perhaps that’s the peace I am feeling right now. Tears come and tears go, but there is a smile in my heart no matter the outcome of this next chapter.

As my dad was in a state of confusion, I watched as he drank a cold glass of milk and ate a turkey dinner with a fork. Only, the reality was there was no milk and no turkey dinner… He was hallucinating…

He seemed to be holding something with both hands and when I asked what was in his hands he said “it was a ticket” … I asked “to where?” He placed it in my hand and said “It’s a ticket to the moon, it’s yours.”
I was reminded of a poem I wrote a few years ago called the moon… Which makes me wonder, since my dad never saw this poem…

The Moon
If I could fly
I would fly to the moon
No… If I could fly
I would fly over the moon
and take you with me.
We could see the world from a view few seldom every see.
Fly away with me
And see what we have always
yearned to be…
~Amy Weider (copyright 2010)

Well, while I’m riding this wave of peace I can only hope it stays long enough to see me through whatever the following days have in store…

I know when I least expect it, I will see a heart and know its time to fly to the moon and take my dad with me…
I love you dad!

In Love, Awe and Wonder…


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Balancing Act

There is a fine line for not losing your sanity, it’s called setting boundaries.

Boundaries and knowing your limits are crucial in life, especially while care taking.
It’s a balancing act of sorts…

My limits are being tested, which makes me wonder about my own personal strength…

My fathers bout with pneumonia and the confusion it is causing is pushing me to my limits. Perhaps I’ve limited my limits and going past what I believe are my limits will only make me stronger. None the less, I am determined to be present to the moment, this beautiful Christmas season, and the blessing of being a care giver…

I’ve been thinking about the term care giver vs care taker…. I find it interesting the difference in the words giver vs taker…
We certainly give! But with the right attitude and insight we are able to learn and “take” away so much more…
So today as I set my limits and follow my heart being a care giver, I can only hope as a care taker I will learn precious wisdom from life’s balancing act…


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“I’m Losing the Battle”

Life has been a roller coaster ride over the past 30 years. Sometimes the hills are steeper and scarier than other times.
There are moments when I feel life is on that last smooth home stretch only to realize I’m climbing that steep hill ready for another ride…
My care taking of my parents make life feel that way lately. Dad has become weaker again, and mom, well, her dementia seems to get the best of all of us!
As I was caring for my dad the other day after his fall, he said ” I think I’m losing the battle.” That made me wonder…
What could he possibly be thinking about being so close to the end of his life at nearly 90 years old… Those words woke me up out of a sound sleep knowing the battle is coming to an end someday. The uncertainly has me on an emotional roller coaster… The wonder of life, its purpose, the meaning, and leaving a legacy has me in a state a wonder…
It’s just a matter of time that my dad will loss the battle… A term, close to his heart being a WW2 vet. For some, life isn’t a battle after all, yet for others certain times of their life is a battle for sure.
I’m up in the early morning wondering,
and remembering…
Remembering wonderful Christmas memories from childhood, thanks to a man who keeps fighting his battle. He is now in the hospital with pneumonia and heart issues but will be fine… He’s a fighter and he still has battles to fight!

This holiday season brings to mind the movie White Christmas … Which makes me think of my dad in his army uniform and all the battles he has fought…

In love, awe and wonder of an awesome dad!



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Meme’s view

Today I looked into the heart of little George. As I held him, his eyes opened for a few moments staring into my eyes connecting for the first time since he was born. I was moved to tears, realizing that I just made my first emotional connection with my little grandson.

The emotions have been building up since the day he was born. Daily I have gradually been bonding more and more with him. Having given space to my daughter and son in law for their own bonding time with George. I look forward to the days to come, as I am able to continue building a relationship with little George.

That relationship can be anything, George and I can imagine. There were lessons learned from my previous mistakes of being a parent! Not to mention all the great wisdom that comes with age… Perhaps that’s why “they” say being a grandparent is so much better than being a parent…

I miss George today, and I really miss meme’s view… Holding George in my arms, looking into his eyes!

In Love with George