I talk, you listen.
I cry, you wipe my tears.
I sit quietly, you hear my every thought.
I wonder, you comfort me.
I miss you, you miss me too.
I hold onto my memories, you smile.
I smile back…
I am here, you are there.
I feel your presence,
you know you are loved,
On the other side…
Aweider 12.18.15
“The uncertainties, the ups and downs, the knowledge of the inevitable loss, seeing a beloved father suffer, and the total lack of control make this journey so hard. God won’t give you more than you can handle – lean on Him. Love ya.”
A Tex I recieved from a dear friend last night summed up exactly how I’ve been feeling this week… The uncertainties of the inevitable loss and all the ups and downs that come with the emotions that surround this journey is difficult. The reality is this is the fifth time we have been on this similar journey. Hospitals, rehabs, and even hospice all for continued “hope” and yet decline of my dads quality of life…
Life is a precious gift given to all of us.
My gift… my father who has always been there for me and has loved me unconditionally. A piece of my heart is torn more and more each time as his aging journey continues.
Today he is moved again to a rehab center, same place, same time of year except without his beloved wife by his side… Which makes me wonder… Does he still have that same desire to live?
What will tomorrow hold? Uncertainty is inevitable for everyone that’s a given, but the uncertainty of an elderly parent tears at ones heart continually…
I feel Gods grace and love on this journey with my father.
I AM Forever grateful for their Love❤️
Big George ❤️ Little George 
Although I lost my brother 28 years ago and a few other close family members there’s something about loosing a parent!
After talking with my sister last night, she commented “you just can’t wrap your brain around it”. I couldn’t agree more. The finality of the death of a parent is so mind boggling. Which makes me wonder about people who lost a parent at a young age. I can’t even imagine…
My 90 year old dad lives with me now, a gift, a blessing, an honor to have him in my home… Being a quiet man I wonder often what he must be feeling. I haven’t seen any emotion from him yet. Perhaps being the dad he feels he needs to be strong for me, one of his Favorite daughters.
I find memories of moments in time flash through my mind daily. Those wonderful childhood memories I miss so much. I know death is part of life, but it’s the part of life that really sucks! I watch and wonder about my dad as I tuck him in every night with a kiss goodnight. Honored and extremely thankful for this time together… But the truth is my heart breaks knowing his pain and the loneliness of missing his wife of 63 years…
There is nothing I can do to take his pain away, except Love him. I wonder more about life lately because of loosing my mom. Life that must be lived and enjoyed to the fullest….
I’m in a new normal again…
Which makes me wonder,
what is normal anyways?
The standard of normal is all relative to each individual… The passing of an elderly parent is “normal”. Grieving is normal, wondering about death has to be normal too…
I continue to wonder about the meaning of life and death. What its purpose is… And how to live life to its fullest during this time in my life…
And still, I can’t help but Wonder about Death…
In awe of life…
It’s one thing to hear an expression and another the live it! “Pulling the plug” is one of those expressions you hear, but really don’t give much thought to. Oh course other than, a toaster or an iron which you may need to pull the plug in order to put the appliance away!
Well I lived “pulling the plug” first hand Saturday morning, one hour before the moving truck came to move my parents. All that kept going through my head was, the bride at the altar who just couldn’t go through with it!
I thought to myself if I was about to get married and felt the way I felt all week long I would have to walk away from the altar, no matter what others thought!
I just couldn’t do it… I could not separate my parents after 63 years of marriage! And yes, although they need different care, and I begged the senior living place to please reconsider putting them together they just couldn’t risk it with my moms dementia.
So there I was Saturday morning all set to move them when I realized I just could not go through with the decision. So back to square one with a different perspective. And although this ride will only get more difficult, I was at peace last night knowing my mother and father were together next to each other in the their own bed!
Is it possible to be inspired by the lack of inspiration in your life?
I got wondering about the season in my life and all the changes that are taking place. This isn’t my favorite season to say the least, but it is a necessary season non the less.
That dreaded “aging parents” season! It has been a blessing to have parents in my life for so long. But now, my sister was asking the question… Is it still a blessing? Watching the ones you love change and weaken into people you know longer recognize… All while life’s inspiration seems to be numb and yet… In a strange new way, I continue to be inspired during this challenging season.
My dad use to refer to it has his “sunset years”. The beauty of a life slowly slipping away behind a human being… The beautiful sun setting in the evening sky, the end of a full day…
The sunset years… the end of a full life…
A lesson learned… It is possible to be inspired during a period in ones life with a lack of inspiration…
Continuing to live life filled with
Love for others
Awe for what life has to offer
And
Wonder about what today will bring…
The future is near
The inevitable is clear…
Emotions run deep
A calm begins to seep.
Days go by
As I try
to understand the cycle of life.
Babies are born
Parents will be mourned
Life continues,
Days filled,
Choices made,
Strength, held closely…
A journey which makes you stronger
A heart breaks that much more…
Knowing the inevitable is clear
And the future is near…
4.29.14
Aweider
Copyright
My mind slips away
to a place,
where my breath is taken away.
The sun begins to set…
Moments of sunshine
glistening on the water.
Red, orange and yellow colors
fill the sky.
Memories of moments
never to be forgotten…
A lake,
Called Keuka.
A childhood,
filled with precious moments.
The sun sets over the hill,
Breathtaking moments.
The reflection on the water,
is like a priceless portrait…
A Picasso, a Monet, a Rembrandt…
Flashes of moments in time,
Memories of years gone by…
Pictures I hold in a vault,
Locked away in my heart…
The artist, my father.
A man who shared those moments for all his children to see…
Aweider
Copyright
4.28.14
I looked up and saw his face.
Worn, sad, almost a lonely look.
His best friend of sixty years
no longer able to verbally communicate…
His body no longer able to do what he wants…
The look on his face
brought tears to mine.
I Walked away, but couldn’t stay away.
As I approached his room
He was lying lifeless on his bed
I called out to him… And said …
Want to go for a ride?
He looked up and moved slowly
And smiled…
I spent the next two hours with a man I love more than anyone…
Two more priceless hours of my time
Peaceful moments,
Quite moments,
Joyful moments,
Moments in time I will always cherish.
When I leave his side,
I leave a piece of my heart.
Every time…
Difficult times
Emotional times
Times that I will always hold dear.
For this man,
I will always love and care…
I love you daddy!
Aweider
4.17.14
Copyright
After seeing this picture of my adorable father at the age of three, I was reminded there’s a child in all of us!
As our bodies age for some reasons our minds don’t seem to want to keep up! I know when both of my parents see themselves in a mirror they are in disbelief of what they see. They can’t quite accept their aging looks, because their minds can’t wrap itself around the years of aging…
I’m guessing most of us see ourselves 15-25 years younger in our own minds then what we appear to be…
There is a child in all of us. No matter what the number may say or how old someone looks they started out as a child… And that child lives inside!
So as I see my daddy continue to age I’m also seeing a little boy come out and play often. Sometimes scared, sometimes defiant and sometimes very playful!
I love his childlike moments… Like when I try to help him with his coat, he looks at me and says “I can do it” as if that little boy inside is fighting for his independence.
My dad and I have come full circle. I play a parent role as he slips unconsciously back into a childlike role on many occasions. There’s a child in all of us just waiting to come out again someday!
In love, awe and wonder daily…
39 days ago the journey of my dads illness began. Pneumonia was the major cause of this hospitalization which effected his already severely clogged heart value.
Weeks in the hospital with a Hospice diagnosis turned into weeks in rehab with a “pre hospice” diagnosis. Watching my dads physical roller coaster ride put me personally on my own emotional and physical ride!
Although dads pneumonia has cleared his heart remains the same, weak. His spirit fluctuates, along with his strength. All this while my mother patiently waits with dementia for his return home.
Well, he is heading home Sunday to be with mom. That decision was made after a roller coaster ride of several different options. The care team, along with family felt at least for now, that was the best decision. There has been a lot of conflict, differences of opinions, stress, burnout, and emotional breakdowns by family members (the latter sit on my plate).
And with that said there have been a lot of “I’m sorry”…. Thankfully our family knows how to Love and forgive…
I am thankful for those words “I’m sorry”, but each time a conflict or ugly words happen it chips away at my soul. For me, my goal is to just love and personally grow stronger and healthier from family differences.
It’s been an emotional roller coaster ride on many levels for all of us. I personally realized I have already started the morning process for both my parents failing health.
So I am thankful when I hear or read the words “I’m sorry”… With the unknown journey still ahead and the amount of time that is needed both physically and emotionally to care for elderly parents… Conflict, and disagreements are the last thing that should ever take place in a care taking situation. Making a conscious effort to love and embrace each other should be a priority during difficult times. Family coming together and caring for parents in their final years is truly the only thing that matters…
“I’m sorry” that it has been anything but Love…
In the end it’s family that truly matters…
In Love with family
In Awe of “I’m Sorry”
In Wonder of when…
Love Awe Wonder... 